It's summer.
Summer is good.
Sunshine is good. But sometimes the good weather makes people do bad, bad things.
So here, in no particular order are some random thoughts from a summer day.
I would characterize them as commandments if I was less modest, but let's just say they are STRONG suggestions for now. And I mean business.
1. NO ARMPIT HAIR SHOULD BE SEEN IN PUBLIC UNLESS AT A PLACE WITH WATER LIKE A POOL OR A LAKE OR BEACH.
I'm serious. I do not wish to see one single folicle of armpit hair on any living creature out in public. That means that ladies must shave their armpits regularly and men should not wear any upper body garment that does not cover their armpits. In the privacy of your own home, feel free to wear those disgusting undershirts or that mesh tank top from 1974 or from the AC/DC concert.
2. DO NOT USE YOUR TOES TO INDICATE YOU HAVE TOO MUCH BLOODY TIME ON YOUR HANDS.
Pedicures-yes, very nice-very fun. Bejeweled toe nails-no. If you have enough time or money to bejewel your toenails, you cannot possibly have a meaningful life. If you paint every one of your toenails a different colour, the same goes. But all toes and feet that are exposed to the world, in public should not be gangly and disgusting. Toes are VERY UGLY CRITTERS to begin with. Please do your best to make yours look as nice as possible because we civilized folks have NO CHOICE but to look at yours from about May to the end of September.
3. LADIES: PICK ONE SEXY AREA OUT OF THREE.
Women wear less clothing in summer-yes they do. Women have three areas to show off, not including arms. There is the chest area, there are the legs and there is the midriff. Normal women who are not bound by religious expectations of increased modesty in clothing should go by the following: exposing one out of the three areas-and not full exposure (I don't actually need, or want to see that tattoo on your breast, Miss Subway Cup Runneth Over Lady) can be sexy. Exposing two out of three is excessive and overdone and three out of three is clownish and street-walky.
4. THIS IS CANADA WE HAVE LOTS OF WATER HERE
We have lots of water and cheap soap in Canada. Showers are your friend. 'Nuff said.
5. PERFUME DOES NOT COVER FAT SMELL. NOT EVER. EVAH EVAH EVAH.
Please use that perfume and big hair money for a gym membership.
6. MIDDLE AGED LADIES, PUT DOWN THE "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY" WHEN YOU GO SHOE SHOPPING
Women who are over 35, and especially over 35 and chunky must refrain from choosing bondage-inspired footwear. It just doesn't work. You look like a randy stupid person. Skirts likewise must be closer to the knee than to the butt. Those are the rules BECAUSE I SAID SO.
Thank you. You may now go back to your regularly scheduled enjoyment of summer.
