Sunday, September 2, 2012

Steyn: You Might Want to Put Some ICE on That


Reminds me of my latest experience with the TSA. I don't think I blogged about it, but I mentioned it to a few friends.

First-allow me to describe myself: short, petite, forty-something fair-skinned, fair-haired (OK FINE I PAY FOR HIGHLIGHTS NOW, LOVE YOU BEV), blue-eyed, Jewish looking Jew with very Jewish sounding name and a Canadian passport.

First of all, it still really pisses me off that I have to take my shoes off.

But anyway, while traveling in August, I wasn't wearing tights with my dress, so I ended up having to stand barefoot on the grubby airport floor while waiting for my bags to go through the scanner. Now that's fun!

Then, my hand bag was pulled off and everyone started to look at it suspiciously. I thought to myself: OH CRAP. I'm going to be delayed.They ran it through again, and looked very concerned. I really couldn't figure out what the heck was wrong. At this point, I was waiting to go through the Full Body Scanner for the first time. Yes, I was a Full Body Scanner Virgin.

I went into the scanner while the serious faces were still looking at my bag.

Coming out of the scanner, the female TSA agent pulled me aside and said "Ma'am", we're going to have to pat you down-something on the scan..."

So I said "Ummm, OK".

I looked at the picture of my body on the screen and it was my necklace that apparently raised the alarm bells. The necklace is really lovely, I must say-sterling silver and lapis-just gorgeous. I bought it from some Afghani students on campus and you know-it's ALL FOR THE CHILDREN so I bought two.

Anyway, I digress. The necklace was lit up like a Ferocious Jew Breast Plate on that screen.

Then, I got completely felt up by the TSA lady.

When I say felt up, I mean felt from my ankles, right up my legs, inner and outer thighs, over the hips and then the breasts (several passes). This was apparently because of the wire in my bra. Ye, I didn't see that lit up though on the scan.

Anyway, after that, I smoked a cigarette.


After that, the same Feel Me Up TSA lady said "Ma'am, we're going to have to swipe you for explosives."

I said "Ummm...OK."

So, there I was, barefoot, post-coital pat down, getting my hands swiped for explosive residue and still waiting for my suspicious bag.

After it had been scanned three times, it was placed on the table and I was told that it was the ounce of water a plastic water bottle that I had forgotten in my handbag that had raised the alarm bells.

I had a beer after that at the airport.

PS: Great Lakes Beer-very nice!