Friday, November 16, 2012

OMG Thanks Kathy For Saying It

Five Feet and I had lunch the other day and well we had to say it.

And when I say, we had to say it, I mean WE HAD TO SAY IT.

Both of us have this kind of right-wing, estrogen-based adult onset mild Tourette's or something, and both of us usually only say about 80% of the things we are thinking because most people really can't handle it.

I was at a very posh event a couple of weeks ago with a room full of well-dressed investment bankers.

I asked the guys beside me if they purposely picked  banking because there was not a lot of estrogen in it. Then I told them that the event needed more food and more babes.

I thought they were going to plotz. That was just a very minor utterance/outburst for me. Geez.

ANYWAY: Back to Kathy.

So, I am delighted that she has said the unsaid. 

Dear womenfolk!

If you become grossly overweight, don't wear any make-up and your hair and clothing and glasses are stuck in a time warp and you can only wear tents, your husband will not be interested in you. And if you do this: it's your fault.

Your husband might not say it in words, but he is definitely thinking it.

It is only rare, strange beta males who enjoy having relations with obese women.

Women need to stay slim. 

Pro tip:  You can do this by exercising and not eating like a pig.

Women need to stay current with fashion, hair and make up. Generally this means getting good advice about what looks good on your body, what hair colour is appropriate and wearing make up that is also age appropriate. It means staying away from loud patterns, and throwing away the sweatpants from the 1980s or worse.

It means perfume will never cover up fat smell.

It means fake long nails with sparkly glitter on them will never distract from the fact that you are are too big.

Big hair will not distract either.

Men are visually oriented-you do not want your husband to be physically repelled by you.

If you look at the picture of Paula-notice that her boobs are in the right place. And by that I mean that she has a bra that fits her properly (or a boob job).

There is no excuse for breasts to be at navel level. This is not attractive!

Gravity is a bitch, but can be mitigated.


Work with what you have.

Don't be fat, and try really, really hard not to be nag.

Make nice food and have more, rather than  less, relations.

It's not rocket science.

You're welcome.